Tiring day

Today was such an amazingly tiring day.I just wanted the day to pass by quickly
at every second of it. I had two papers today.Literature and Geography.I wanted to forgo literature to study geography because that was the subject I was banking on to pass so I could promote. So anyway I decided to study geography for the whole of last night. Though the literature paper was okay, the Geography paper was a killer .Which is soo ironic. After the paper one girl cried because she studied the wrong stuff. It's sad...Anyway my tourette syndrome is getting from bad to worst.During the whole exam I kept flexing my arm and now my whole arm hurts.When I wake up I the morning nowadays my whole arm is in pain. It's not as easy to control the urge to flex my arm as people would think.If I didnt do it I would feel uncomfortable.Anyway, hopefully I could learn to control it for my own sake...






Oh and today I finally managed to talk to my Project work group leader and finally realized that she was angry at my irresponsible behavior as a general paper representative as I did not collect some stuff for the class.But anyway I can't blame her because I would have also bitched an irresponsible person(If I knew of one) .




OH ! and this morning I was caught in a rain and my feet were soaked and after the exam the whole class complained of a stink and I said it was my feet.Haha.I felt embarrassed but I would rather laugh about my bad points than try to hide it

Tired

Last night was a mess. I decided to sleep at 11.30pm last night so I'll be energised for the math paper today...But I kept tossing and turning and the last time I checked my clock it was already 3am... So basically I got 3 hours of sleep for my math paper. But today's math paper was great. I think.But during the 2 and a half hour paper I thought it was one and a half! I rushed through the whole freaking last 2 questions because I thought there was no more time and then I was waiting for 5 minutes wondering why the teacher haven't told us to stop writing/ Then I looked at the board and saw 2 and a half hr and I was pissed but happy at the same time.So I managed to complete the paper. I was only unable to do around 2 questions out of 9 and with all the careless mistakes I made I'll probably pass. Anyway, back to some drama... When I entered the exam hall I realised that I was sitting in the middle of my Project Work group leader and her good friend. If you had read a post at the beginning of this month, you would understand the drama . Anyway, I sat in the middle and when I sat down my group leader's good friend giggled at her and she also smiled and rolled her eyes. Omg I was so angry and pissed that they were gossiping without even saying anything!!! Ugh. But I didn't let that get in the way of my paper.


After the paper I decided to take a bus home and on one of the stops an old lady carrying 3 huge plastic bags boarded the bus and she took a long time to get on the bus and I really felt like helping her.So anyway, a few stops later she pressed the bell to alight and I decided to approach her and help her to carry. She said in chinese 'Thank you so much' I was so touched. I felt so good that I did something good today =). The people around me were just staring at me I dunno what for and they didn't even smile ugh....
So anyways that was my morning...

Mammogram

My mom decided to finally go for a mammogram after months of telling her to go. She thinks that I'm cursing her everytime I ask her to go -_- ... Like seriously? Anyway the reuslts are not yet out but it's very scary because both my mom's mom and her grandma died of breastcancer so she obivously has a high risk. I hope she's alright though...

I'm so judgemental

Whenever I see a wrinkled middle age man dressed in casual simple clothes I always think I'm more superior than him.When I see a bald monk in oversized baggy mono chromatic overalls, I always pass off comments like 'ugh what horrible fashion sense' . To try and curb my problem, I even googled 'How to be less judgemental' but all the results were quite useless because it's all about self control and stuff... I know karma's a bitch, but right nw, I'm a bigger bitch.

Today

Today I just found out that a person is still bitching about me. If you have read my first post this month, I had some problem with my project work group leader and she is now telling people how irresponsible I am,which is true. But today I wasi n school and they walked past me without even making eye contact...I was so hurt. Hmph. I get right now I have to focus on what's important and that's my exams...

Gay-acting straight dudes,wassup with that?

I don't really get the whole 'gay-acting' thing with straight dudes...Seriously? We're in college and you guys are groping each other like a bunch of intellectually challenged idiots. Guys groping and smacking asses in public is just embarrassing. I'm really confused yet amused at the same time. I have been in a single sex school(Boys School) for 10 years of my life and believe me, I've seen some strange things...I thought college would allow me to see guys in a more mature light but I guess I was wrong. What's ironic is not the fact that the guys are straight,but they are the 'stereotypical' straight guys who uses offensive terms such as 'faggots' and insults the LGBT community!IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.They practically make a joke out of a deep issue and it really pisses me off. There's this guy in my class with a HUGE EGO,let's call him H, and when I say huge I mean DYNAMITE EGO who walks with a swag and stares at his reflection at any reflective surfaces...INCLUDING A PUDDLE OF WATER,THAT'S HOW VAIN HE IS...Ok anyway, he prances around the school thinking he's all that and every word out of his mouth is a swear word.Whether it is 'wtf' or 'fk you', it's in every sentence. Ok back to the point..He is the 'typical straight guy' who doesn't get the introvert guys and tries his best to make them feel uncomfortable.Including me.Whether it's a wink, an 'air lick',or putting his arms around me.And the worst part is,he only acts like that infront of introvert guys!Infront of girls he acts all chilvalrous and charming,so when I tell all my girlfriends about his repulsive behavior,they don't get it.  You see,with typical straight dudes, they think everything is a joke.So it's redundant to fight back.Instead, I join in on the joke by 'repaying' his 'nice' gestures to make him feel uncomfortable and guess what? It works.ughh...typical of the human race.When the jokes on them, they're not laughing anymore...
So don't be afraid to turn the tables on a bully,when you back down,your on the losing end.In fact,with dudes like H, the only thing you need to do is immitate his gestures,because guys like him aren't able to handle their own ego,let alone their jokes.

GP Examination

These few days I've been constantly flexing my right arm for no reason.I just get the urge to do it. It has been a habit my whole life but now it's getting more pronounced and obvious.A few days back I went to see a doctor and he told me that those were just habits and if I told myself to stop doing it I could control it.But I cant...I have no self control.Probably that's why I do stuff I shouldn't do...Anyway,Today was my general paper exam(English exam) and throughout the exam I kept flexing ugh...It easel annoying! Anyway I got through it and hope I could at least pass :/

By the way, the essay question that I did was 'To what extent id your Country vibrant?' .I was thinking for like 15min on what vibrancy meant in this context and just decided to write about aesthetics...But after the exam I think. Was wrong! I think it meant a country's politics and culture...Nvm fuck it.I'm screwed for the exams anyway ....Good luck to me for my upcoming math paper on Thursday...

Cigarettes

I always wanted to smoke. I remember the first time I ever smoked a cigarette... I bought a packet of contrabands from a friend at school about 2 years ago and I just wanted to try it.  I told my mom about it and she agreed to light it for me ( She knew I was just trying ) and the first time I smoked it I hated it. I felt like vomitting it was like breathing in smoke from a fire or something . Anyway, after that I tried it like one or two more times to see if I can get why people get hooked to it but it was still the same cringing feeling I get... One day I will be able to get pleasure from it...Maybe that would relieve my pain....

Art is such a bitch

Oh My GOD I'M SUCH A PROCRASTINATOR... My coursework for art which is 60% of my overall grade for art is screwed... I think I did to much planning and sooo little executing... and now I can't even carry out the intended final piece. We were meant to complete a 1 metre by 1 metre canvas with acrylic paint and I decided to do the topic of Pain using the idea of mosaic tiled paintings. I only started work on Friday when submission date was on Monday... OMG. Although I think I worked rather fast, I thought that the work was quite crappy and looked unfinished....

Friday : 

Saturday :







Sunday :

and I still have so much more work to do ahhhh!!!!

Computer Addiction

If we could simply just 'level up' and rise in social status that easily, life for me would be much better...

It's close to the exams and what a bad time to get addicted to computer games again...and WORST of all, it's MapleStory ... The game which got me into a hell lot of trouble in a major exam last year. I don't know why I keep digging my own grave but now I'm trying to practice self control...Argh!!!
Maybe it's because I am able to act out a different persona online...as a woman...Why must I have to hide my sexuality? I think gaming is the only way I can express myself without being judged...By taking on an avatar, I'm giving myself a whole new persona to embody. But this also takes away my true self... Why is life so hard???

Art Project

Just thought I'd share an art project that I did for about a month.I was assigned to design a cube with a message behind it. The theme was 'Cube Enigma'. My work was basically about the detrimental effects of consumerism and how something so colourful could be so bleak and dark. haha.But this is ironic cos I'm totally obsessed with fashion...ahh,I guess that's art for you,an endless maze of paradox and contradiction.Anyway I'll just show you pics of what I did...

Ok so these two sides of the cube signifies the myriad of consumerism and how it is is a chaotic manner.The colourful exterior symbolises the dynamism of consumerism and how celebrities propel such movements. The lady beside the Michael Jackson drawing shows obsession with aesthetic perfection through plastic surgery.

 This side shows the subliminal messaging of consumerism as you can see there's a face within the forehead of 'The Joker' and how the spray painted words are reversed.

 Ironically adding a barcode at the bottom of an artwork which is against the concept of economic value.

Interior possesses a stark contrast from the outside as I used only white and black with a hint of green and brown.The 'mindless worshipper' of consumerism is worshipping the angel; pure,being sucked into a vortex as the body is attacked by 'brands'. The long arms of the worshipper suggests his longing for materialism.The coffin at the back with the plants signifies the environmental impacts of consumerism. Spikes above also shows the precarious position the worshipper is in.
Anyways,I was really inspired by fashion and how clothes have that aesthetic quality no matter how grotesque it is. Donatella Versace was a huge inspiration.

Photography Trip To Arab Street

Since my previous blog post was about the cheap and great accessories you could find in Arab Street,I decided to do something related to Arab Street too.Me and a few of my art classmates went to Arab Street on a recent photography trip intended to capture the sights and sounds of Arab Streets. My friends took amazing photos capturing Architectural details,lines and colour contrast and I thought I would share them with you guys...

Hope you enjoyed the pics =)

Fashion Photography!

If you guys didn't know, I am also an artist,photographer and aspiring fashion designer. So recently me and my classmate, Nat, Collaborated to do an amateur photoshoot just for our own pleasure. And the photos actually turned out amazing! Check it out!

Styling/Photography/Direction : Masochistic teen

Model : Nat

This was actually funny because the first time I ever met Nat at the start of the year, the first words to her from me were 'You look like a model' . Which would probably be awkward to most people but she said ' Yea I get that alot'. Haha I love her! and she was actually a great sport and liked the whole concept! I loved shooting her and hope that there may be future shoots for us! =)

<3

Masochistic Teen

Hi all

Just to introduce myself. I am a teenage boy from Singapore and I just created this blog to vent my anger on certain issues. Some of which people don't really get... First off, today was a horrible day. I felt so horrible. Ok it began last week when we were assigned a group project work by our teacher and we as a grouip discussed that I was supposed to do a certain portion of a written report. The same week, I had pulled all-nighters to complete school work and stuff, and decided I should get a doctor's approval to excuse myself from school the next day. So anyway I was supposed to email my portion of the work allocated but I was so tired I dozed off! Yes, I know it was my fault, but the next day when I woke up I received a call from my group member in a sort of monotonous voice. As if they had given up on me and simply said 'Yea it's too late but just email it to the group email'.Which I did. I felt so bad I apologised and they accepted my apology. But today when I went back to school... THE WHOLE CLASS did not even talk to me. It was as if my group had bitched about me to everyone. I felt so awkward in class. The worst of all, my group leader was distributing candy she had bought from a convenience store to the whole class but me!! OMG. So I simply asked her 'Hey are you still angry with me?' and she was like 'No,wait Yes, no...I mean yes'. Which she obviously was still angry. Anyway, the her and my other group member decided to have a little conversation on who would they want to do badly in the upcoming exams so they would retain at this level. My group leader said ' I hope they get what they deserve' . <- I brushed it off since it may not refer to me. And then... the group member said something with my name in it!!! So I asked him 'Yes? What is it?' and he just said ' Nothing '...

 BITCH!!! DON'T PUT MY NAME IN YOUR MOUTH IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA SAY IT TO MY FACE!!!

 

 

Anyway, the whole 1 hour session of project work was sooo awkward because none of them were talking to me. I know it was my fault but must they be so cruel to insult me like that and even hope I retain? I seriously was so tensed my whole body felt hot. After project work was over, I decided to be the first one to leave the room and take a quiet seat in my school's cafe and have some time to myself. I tried to study but I couldn't. I just kept thinking of that incident and it made me feel so horrible and bad. I wished I could just die right there. People seem to treat me more cold and indifferently. Everyone seems to be cordial with me. Maybe it's because my group leader and my other group member were the more popular ones in my class. Seriously, I feel that people just don't get me.

Gay Bullying

There's this guy in my class that's just OH MY GAWD!!! In a bad way.He is everything bad and nothing good to me.He's simply a bully. Seriously he is so vain and it can't even help his ugly face.He is what I would call a 'typical straight
Guy' .For the past few months, he made my life a living hell after he found out I was gay. I knew once he found out I would be doomed because he already poked fun at my effeminate disposition at the start of the year. He is just a sad little creature. He actually claimed to support the LGBT community when he insults me. The harassment had gone from bad to worse.He start touching me for no reason e.g putting his arms around me.Or even put his Jan on my lap.I tried to ignore it to show any fear but it was really too much I was even shaking because I was so angry. He smacked my butt and winked at me everytime I saw him. But when he finally groped me while I was walking to the school's library infront of everyone, that was it. I was so fucking embarrassed it haunted me for months.I decided to confront him about my hate towards him but he seemed to express
Empathy.But that was immediately covered
By sacarstic remarks.GOD I HATE HIM!!! I really hopes
He is not in my class next year!!! But things are better now that I ignore his existence every single
Moment.When he tried to talk to me, I look at him and roll my eyes .When he asks me a question, I tell him to ask someone else. Right now I'm in a better place...
Or maybe not...

Gay ; It's Complicated

Ok I am in a complicated relationship right now. If you guys don't know yet, I am gay. AND from an all boys high school! Complicated right? NOT SO MUCH COMPARED TO NOW. Ok so now I'm in a mixed gender college and in the first few months, it was really one of the first times I had direct communication with girls. So there is this girl in my Chinese class, whom I knew she could very well be my best friend ; Loves to have fun,play,laugh and is crazy like me. But at that moment, I confused that sort of friendship with love. I actually told her I loved her and would love to go out with her. We went on dates, movies, and even kissed a couple of times. But none of them were of any substance, meaning it was as if I kissed my brother or sister.So right now I realized that I am not in love with her . So these past few months I've been trying to break off daily communication with her to ease my way out of the relationship without hurting her feelings. I know this sounds douchey and cowardly. But how am I supposed to say ' I'm sorry I'm not in love with you, I'm gay'. So right now we still treat each other like good friends. But we NEVER talk about the relationship we have or once had. It's awkward yet relieving at the same time. Knowing that she does not really care for that. But I hope that this does not bite me in the ass in the future. The funny thing is, alot of my close girl friends in the school know that I'm gay, but she doesn't . and strangely enough, one of my closest girl friends is her good friend! So it's either she does not want to carry on the relationship with me, or she knows I'm gay. But right now, as I stalk her Twitter account, there seems to be a new guy in her profile picture. So I'm hoping she has found someone better than me.Obviously someone who does not lie to her face and tell her 'I LOVE YOU'... Oh my gosh, I'm such an unfair asshole. I really should not be this cowardly in my sexuality but some things must be kept secret...

I feel popular yet unpopular

I live such a polar life. One day I could be surrounded by friends having lunch, the next I'll be sitting by myself wishing there were people beside me to talk to and confide in. Why do I live such a life? I guess it all lies with my class. I feel like I can communicate better with girls and they get me better. Anyway, my class comprises of an equal mix of guys and girls. I don't know why I can't communicate smoothly with either gender. The guys don't get why I behave the way I do ; Effeminate. and the girls don't get why I don't hang with the guys... Actually I would rather have recess with the girls in my class but the girls sit in one table and the guys sit in the other. It would be so embarrassing to sit with the girls instead of the guys, which is like a social suicide, like shouting ' Come insult me, I am gay! ' ... I wished I was in a class with majority of them being girls. Why do I live such a perplexed life? and now I have exams to deal with hmph... Then,,,you may ask me why am I surrounded by friends sometimes? Because they are made up of people from other classes who do get me, and what I am suffering. But even so, I still can't reveal everything to the people around me, because I have been hurt one too many times... I just want to treasure the friendships and bonds I have currently =)

Albino Beauty

Shaun Ross

Diandra Forrest

I was watching The Tyra Banks Show which featured 2 albino models (Diandra Forrest and Shaun Ross) shown above, who talked about their personal struggles with albinism.Albinism is a defect of melanin production that results in little or no color (pigment) in the skin, hair, and eyes. It's truly great to see two strong people overcome their struggle with ethnic identity and actually become famous because of their difference. It really shows how some part of our body which we hate could actually be turned into something positive. Take Lady Gaga's nose,she mentioned in interviews that she used to be me fun of because of her nose and look where she's got now, with her nose being a prominent feature in all her depictions. I als did a little research on albinism and found that animals were also able to possess this beauty. I was really amazed with some of those pictures..Check it out.

I feel so lonely... Like a girl trapped in a guy's body. Why am I suffering so much? I can't even concnetrate on my studies... Why are guys so mean? I wish I could just perish from the face of this earth. If only I could tell people I am gay without them judging me or having pre-conceived notions... Guys would tease me, some girls wouldn't get why I'm always taking to them and think I'm some kind of a pervertic flirt... People don't get why I dress so flambouyantly... I'm so socially awkward and weird. Maybe I should stop pretending to be what I am not  : A socialite. I always try to socialise and talk to everyone around me even if I barely know them. just to keep myself company. But what I don't realize is that those friendships do not last. and once I stop talking to them for about a week or two, we would revert back to total strangers and maybe simply smile when I walk past them... I think I am the type of guy who should always be alone and doing my own thing to avoid drama....hmph

Why am I such a girlish guy? =(

Art Exibition...

Went to an art exebition the other day during art class...

I LOVED THE WORKS!

Prosperity Vs Individuality

It seems like individuality revolves around prosperity now; a symbol of social status. For example, obesity, an unwanted problem in urban societies, is a sign of prosperity in some countries, having exotic pets also shows prosperity,and fashion brands too. Clothes without brands are disregarded...


A situation similar to this would be the fascinating sub-cultures in the Middle-East and North America. Women are treated like queens.A Total opposite to the urban society where everyone wants to be thin .In the fashion industry, Difference in physical appearances appreciated and treasured . So why can't we appreciate everyone for how they look like, I mean underneath we're just asking for acceptance.Whether if you have no skin pigmentation or you want to achieve a more ideal weight. Within our own society,all we want is just to conform to the social norms and be accepted. Sure, we may want to step our of our boundaries once in a while but ultimately, we want to be recognized for our choice of risk-taking whether it is fashion or open sexuality.We are not really encouraged to be different. People who live their lives in a way that defies cultural attitudes and conventions and think in a way that most people do not are seen as weird, eccentric and outcasted.
However, with people who strive to conform to the 'rules' of society, they not only lose their physical self, but also our mental self. Which ulimately leads to a decline in individuality. In the case of albino animals : Why is it animals of a specific species which come in different physicality and form are unique and exotic while humans who are physically different are weird,strange...outcasts?
So We,as humans, are able to treat  animals with care and respect while we shun our human friends? Another thing about exotic animals is that they create individuality for someone.For example, if someone were to own a snow loris, they are seen as different in a positive manner. But when someone possesses a unique feature in their appearance, take for example a crooked nose, they are already judged upon by their appearance before direct interaction. But this is the way a modern socket is built on, a mechanized system where children are where parents hope their children to become doctors or lawyers and the cycle just goes on and on.


However, I feel that acquiring true prosperity is the process of aligning your thoughts in a manner you have thought your whole life. ; Breaking free from the worries of other's opinions. Dump all the conformist thoughts that was injected into you since young and be who you really are.






''Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent '' - Eleanor Roosevelt

What do you do when you get mad?

Some people scream, some people exercise and others blog. For me, I have a mix of everything.If you had read some blog posts in the past, you would know that I used to cut myself to relief pain,stress or anger.But now,I found a much better way of releasing my anger towards something : Painting. But not just any type of painting, it's a style with lots of emotion in it called 'Expressive Painting' . Call me weird,but this is one of the most cathartic methods of releasing stress I have ever tried! Okay so a few days ago, I quarrelled with my mom because she didn't understand why I did the things I do (e.g wanting to be an individual by dressing up however I want to and wearing outrageous outfits) and even blamed my friends as influences and wanted me to stop seeing them. Angry, I decided to unleash my rage on the wall of my small little 200 square feet room... and left a post-it note on the wall saying 'Dear Mom,I'm not trying to hurt you,I was just releasing my anger'' The result was this :

 

 

 

I just dripped magenta acrylic paint and just scratched and attacked my wall like a madman. Strangely enough, I felt great after that...Although my heart was still racing and I was sweating like a dog( Just an analogy), I felt relieved. I'm not encouraging you guys to go all rampagy on your room but I was just sharing my personal experience...
Okay so you want to know how my mom reacted to this. She was quite mad at first but after she saw the note she calmed down a little. I told her that this was a great way for me to express my anger and she mellowed down a little. I agreed that I would paint over the wall to cover it up because she,being an auspicious person, didn't want the room looking like a murder scene. So I'm gonna re-paint my wall,but I assured my mom that the wall would definately be ruined again...